Day 2 of my Great Barrier Reef excursion:

Should have left the asshole in the ocean, Tom

I find myself in a deeply nostalgic state of mind as I feel stranded on this island of "holy fork, Wilson, why did you take me here?"(p.s-how raw would "Nostalgia by Veidt" be if it were a real life cologne?...minus the whole giant one-eyed Octopus thing).

Memories of spinning in my front yard and falling into prickled bushes, listening and being in utter awe of my neighbor's older brother, claiming he ate poop for lunch everyday, painting man-doors with dirt...oh how the enchanting innocence tickles me!

Nostalgia, however, is a spectrum of vast lightness and deep darkness, and in this state, my mind can't help but peer into the black to awaken horrors no living being should EVER experience. This terror that haunts me is none other than Jason Vales' 7lbs in 7 Days juice cleanse...which I voluntarily participated in last week with my girlfriend.

I approached the cleanse with optimism and a delicate grace: I was actually excited about the prospect of purifying my system and felt confident in the power of my mind to push away any thoughts of giving up or cheating.

My refrigerator was a rainforest. Pure, unadulterated health was packed in there. Watercress and alfalfa sprouts and ginger stalks and crispy kale (pronounced with an Old English accent) and spinach and greens and pineapple and carrots and apples made up the landscape, and I was the lion of the domain, or, if we really want to get ferocious, the territorial crow.

Days one and two were rough. Six smoothies per day was the requirement/limit. I was a tired, ornery sponge(bob) that had been left in the sun too long. Free smells (sup Jimmy J's) of bacon while I was working tore at my nostrils, but I resisted old Beelzebub.

By day three, the fruits and vegetables became living creatures in my mind's eye...I was actually murdering Granny Smith after Granny Smith. Day four I cut off my big toe to transfer the pain from my tummy to another area of my body.

When I woke up on day five, my girlfriend and I knew it was over. We played along with the cleanse and made our smoothies and didn't drink any coffee like well behaved children, but come midnight it was the celebration of Macaroni and Cheese Fest 07. The first serving we rubbed all over our bodies, the next we actually consumed the gooey goodness.

Since then I have added five pounds from my original weight before I took on the cleanse.

If there's one thing I learned from this cleanse, I would say that I think that kid was lying to me about eating poop for lunch everyday.