Retainers

I've had these automated bad boy persona inducing seduction cups, since my freshman year in high school. All the ladies swooned at the sound of my lisp, as the spark of my smile pinched their pupils. I was a dark, yet sensitive, yet introspective metal ball of twine, that couldn't be unravelled, which made me all the more mysterious.

I am in a great pain as I recall my past, as I am pausing every minute or so to push my retainers down on my teeth so that they straighten my dead bones out. I am, of course, lying to myself about my past to make myself feel better about the present state of pain I am currently experiencing. In reality, kids would pour 2% milk cartons down my khakis and call me "Jizzy Pants," so wearing retainers didn't exactly help my social status.

My top retainer is red, my bottom retainer is blue (that should be the opening line of a love poem). I chose red for my love of Ohio St. football, and blue for my love of Florida Gators football (my father, Darth Vader, received a scholarship to play football at UF) . My love for each team came into conflict when each were vying for the BCS championship...since then my bottom retainer has become completely coated with white plaque so that I can barely see the blue (not an accident). 

A shirt made out of Lamb Chop's wool would be raw, can't lie

Is having straight teeth really worth the pain? Is wearing high heels worth the strut? Is shaving the lamb really worth the wool? Oh, the existential questions I can't help but ponder when my teeth glisten like a peacock's feathers. J Cole keeps his grill real for the kids and he's a celebrity (great song, for real). That takes a lot of guts and creativity to stand against what beauty standards are necessary to make it big in this country. J. Cole is a true inspiration. 

Screw caring about what my teeth look like. Now all I have to do is just save up enough money to buy that Brooks Brothers shirt so I can look fly. #TurntUp! #Spraytanmyeyes #Dontsmilefortheselfie